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poverty paradise

here i am sitting at a beautiful table, enjoying a cup of coffee in the middle of a poverty paradise.
it seems i cant stop wondering whether or not something this good could last forever. theres not much to miss at home, nothing to really go back to, nothing to really call home in the first place. i feel horrible talking it, because now i know the grass isnt always greener on the other side.
this place. i dont want to go home, but at this point it is inevitable to chose where i really want to be, where i really want to create my own home, and be satisfied with it. im misplaced in my routined life. loving every second of it but dreading the fact i always have somewhere to be. i always have something to do.
its been so nice to get away and not think about people or school, this includes my friends and family.
the sea turtles have dont me well.
i have this instinct that i need to start a new story
something people dont hear about everyday, something unfamiliar.
im going to miss this island or maybe just this trip in general
everytime i go somewhere new i feel inspired all over again.
i really dont want to leave
but thats my secret
i love this poverty paradise


theres something ive been wanting to tell you,
but for some reason i dont exactly know how to say i love you.
you make me feel like i am alive again
and given me a sincere feeling of complete happiness

although i can lay in your arms all night and day, and we can have sex every hour and on occasion for many hours, ive never been able to feel this sort of satisfaction with anyone.
i dont think i ever want to let you go.
and when you leave everything behind to follow your call of duty for this country
im going to be more devastated than my mind can imagine. i will try my best not to tear myself to pieces because you will take care of yourself. i know it. i just want you to come back to me, at times i feel so distant from my family, living on my own has made me feel like i dont have a place to call home. but when you hold me close to your heart and i can feel every breathe we take together. you give me something to come back to..
im in love with you.

Dec. 8th, 2009

if everyone feels like this
then how are they all still alive

song babbbling

I want you to understand me, soon a feeling will overcome you with clarity
im so broken from being robbed of the best i could be
and i dont know why i am not healing
it hasnt crossed my mind, why were you so difficult to find
when i needed you the most.

where have you been all this time, im living in misery and confrontation, all of my tears and struggles combined, and now this love has been taken. oh how much i wish that i could know this.. its such an unfamiliar feling of bliss.
your so afraid of me therefore we just pretend
well i dont want to do this until the very end
your hesitations are wearing down on me
and i feel like i just need to get over this and let it be
youve been throwing me this attitude of attack
i cant hendle that
this monastery is fading to black

wake me up miel, i cant sleep this long
i dont want to wake up from this song without you.

will thi ever take us anywhere? or are we going to continue pretending that we are not together. will you ever really be mine, at this point it seems you are just to afraid of me. i dont want to be in adulation with some one who is scared to love me back. ive tried to show you love in so many different ways. ive proposed my feelings on numerous occasions hoping it would aspire a new found connection that does not contain fear in your heart. you really dont know what i see when i look at you. im starting to think my mind just creates this monastary that i am living in an empty world of fallacies. because when i am with you i am not miserable. i am not really sad nor am i angry. im just good. i feel something better than i do when we are apart. at times when we are seperated even for a short period, i long for your warmth your hugs and your delicate kisses that graze my tender lips. you make me feel peace when my mind is racing at so many miles per hour. when i cant find that clarity within my own thoughts, you bring that to me and you dont even know it. im beggining to see the true colors of who i am because you have broughten me back to reality. im not begging you to be with me. i dont want you to be with me if that is not what you want because that just goes back into my monastary of fallacies. and in that village of confusion everything is surreal. and to me you are more real than i have ever seen in another soul. and yes i have seen through the eyes of many people, im not speaking of romance at this point im just speaking of encounters and friendships. but in the depths of your eyes i see a different spark, you look at me and i dont want you to go away nor do i want to push you away. i never meant for you to leave, i never truley wanted that. im not sure if fate exists but if it does than we sure did run into one another enough before we finally had our first uncontrolled interaction outside of school or your workplace. i am now lost within this. and i feel so sad. because i will never let you read this, it is something you will just stumble upon one day 
the breeze flying by
and all my stress sweats into the night
it feels so good to feel good again
oh it feels so good to feel

the looking glass can tell so much truth
staring into the eyes of a soul illuminated in pain
and with that one look
shes not sure if shell ever be loved again
her face cringes into this helpless pity
stop this before i start crying..
one tear slips from each of her eyes
and she doesnt know where to turn
why this heart of hers is all alone
the beauty is gone within, her ghost has burned

and all she wants is to want to live
and all she needs is something to give her that want

she feels changed around
trying not to fall back down
watching herself live with each dying day
not sure if its worth observing destruction continuously
incapable of making the decision to fulfill her cravings
and she tries to keep herself together
she walks the dash between entity and the end
but she keeps stumbling over the cracks
if she doesnt get out now
shell face everyone knowing she can never make it out of this world alive
even if she tried
shes just to tired to keep trying
she wishes sleep would solve this misery
but the unconscious mind cannot cure the way she feels
its hopeless
ive been down. running on a line that i dont think will ever end. im on the point of this segment where i regret all the things i said when i took your heart and broke it. and on this point it seems that there is nothing i could do, there is nothing left to say to make you come back to me. there is only so much that i have to offer. looking into eachothers eyes, i can see the clarity your trying to impose. something is telling me you see nothing. and its all my head. that there is nothing left of me that is worthy enought to hold onto. what we see may be different, beneath the gloss of your eyes and salty skin is something i have only found with you. i have always wondered what it felt like to want to grow with some one to truley love and want to be with them. and now i know. and it may be to late. because now, well now, i dont have you

dad this song is for you

ive looked up to you for so many years now
but all ive been looking at is a man i never knew
a man that suffered all his life
and at my age strived to get by

growing up in my head was difficult at times
hiding from you and the world
it was all just a battle of confusion
but when you found me at the bottom of everything
you said "here there my love, this too shall pass"

and i knew something was wrong with me
i knew you knew what was best
and now i cant thank you enough
you saved my life from death

and the time finally came that you could share
exactly who you were
coming to find that we are more alike
than i ever could concur

your so successful at doing what you hate
your boss could never grasp your fate
and i look up to you
for doing what you need to

needs edit
have you ever smoked so much weed to the point where you feel nothing? maybe for you its crack. maybe meth, perhaps an overdose on some hallucingenic just trying to leave reality, just trying to see what other realms this world has to offer. living life on the edge or living life with a balance. is there really such a thing? how can these people do this to themselves day after day and night after night. will there bodies ever just give up and die. its like in the middle of a heroin shot.. and everything gets fuzzy yet the person feels relaxed, happy, all their irritable feelings seem to slip away. do they really feel anything at this point. is it painful for that long thick hollow needle plunged into their arm, or is it pleasant? is it nothing? everything was nothing at one point in time. i was nothing, you were nothing. you see ive been wondering, the life of an addict are they always an addict. as a child was it candy they wanted, food, soda, movies, toys, barbies, anything to make them happy. but why... why do we need things to make us happy. why do we need people to make us smile, cheer us up at times we are so down that nothing but the thought of sleeping and never waking seems to be the only answer and the only solution. i know there are sleeping addicts out there. theres gotta be. it feels to dam good to pass that up and if not maybe i could make a million dollars being the first one. then again maybe not. what a sport hah who can sleep the longest? i know for me. sleeping is all that ever feels good anymore. how much longer do i have to pretend i am happy? can i stop now. no more writing about this love that is beginning to kill me. every time i approach something good, something that might go right i fail. i take it away from myself. i must not deserve these feelings. theres something wrong with me right now. i need help, and that is my secret that i am not going to hide from myself anymore. no one needs to know, however, a stranger would be nice. i really need to talk to some one who doesnt know who i am. i need to understand why i am so fucked up in the head. why death dangles in and out of my mind morning to night and all over again. why i am fighting with myself. why i dont want to do anything. its whats happend to me. its who i use to be, what i use to do. im grieving. i miss diamonds. i miss my life. i miss wanting to become something, someone.

Writer's Block: Youthful Transgressions

What mistake made in your youth do you most regret now?
i do have regrets in life. but i dont have any regrets on the youthful mistakes ive made.. basically all of my fuckups have made me the person i am today. i wouldnt be as strong or knowledgeable. i wouldnt be me

Today is the day ive been waiting for

all of you people

with the crazy lives who cant walk the straight lines, who have succeeded in taking my help and never returning. to all the people that i have risked my entity for, i have put everything i have today in jepeordy, oh you will never know what you have done to me. so today is the day that i will let it all go. this anger and animosity has been building up for so long and i can not let it build anymore. for it drives me to insanity. this negative vitality is no longer allowed to live inside my soul. for i am free in my physical actions but i have not been free in my mind. i have let all of you take some sort of unknowing control over the way i think.. and i have forced myself to let that effect what i have been living for. it is today that all those green federal papers should not exactly become meaningless but they definately have become less meaningful. To have a drive for something more powerful then the cliche statement of what really makes this poor world go round. i exist at times that i wish i never experienced, times that i have seen light flash before i could blink. these times have made me who i am today whether i want to accept that or not. the amount of crime and danger i have seen ceases the limit i ever expected. and i am no longer going to let myself be afraid of letting go. there is nothing to hold onto. there is nothing i really want to remember. i have hurt myself. i have let others hurt me. and it is not worth the pain. i dont know why i ever thought it was. im guessing it was just the control of the money. that makes me soo sad. it is a sadness that i have never felt. it makes me want to break down knowing that i was a person dependent on searching for a happiness that does not exist in that field. the fun and games are only games. and it is time for this entire game to finally end. its game over. and deep within my stomach i have not acquired a real acceptance for this matter. as much as i want to look back, i really dont. i still have nightmeares. and the gun is pointed in front of my face with a man screaming "i didnt want to meet any new fucking people" well man with the crater face: i never wanted to meet you. but you changed my life. and i still hate you for that. i hate you and i dont even know you. such a terrible fucked up person who doesnt give a goddam shit about hurting people. we all live here in this beauiful place together. but the people like you make it ugly. you make it a scary place, a place where people are afraid to leave there doors unlocked, they are afraid of such simple things. i dont wish death upon you even though you shone the light of death in front of a little girls face, a child at heart who was just trying to get by. just trying to live. you have shown her evil, you have taken her trust away from innocent people. i havnet decided if this is good or bad, looking into the eyes of a stranger and she still holds this fear. this fear that for some reason feels necessary to hang onto. but she wants to let it all go.
let it go my lady...
its over.